Reflection by Angenita Childs

Last August, I was going through some extremely trying times. I was at an all time low, and things just did not go right. I was struggling mentally, physically, emotionally, and financially. I was also at a crossroads because while I felt there were things that needed to be said, yet I was afraid to do so. That made me sink even lower. Just to give a little background on how I was feeling, this is what I wrote in my journal on August 18th:

… I looked at myself today and was angered and disgusted. I asked myself, “Who would want me?” I cannot understand why that was the first thought I had looking at myself. Why wasn’t my first thought “Simply Beautiful?” I just kept having negative thoughts about myself. Like, “Why did you go natural? Discovery? Discovering who you are? Yeah right.” I heard the voices clearly in my head like someone was saying them in my ear. I had to move from my own reflection…

Looking back almost a year later, I find myself still having negative connotations about me. I’ve beat myself, and been the cause of my own defeat to the point where feeling good doesn’t feel so great because I don’t recognize it as such. It is foreign, unusual. Gaining self worth is challenging because it’s so easy to resort back to those feelings of nothingness. It’s easy to feel like you aren’t worth good things because in your head, good things don’t come to you. Trying to gain strength is its own obstacle simply because you are used to weakness.

I still get down about me sometimes, but I understand that at only two years old, my journey is relatively new. As someone who is used to negativity and negative thinking, this is hard work. Changing my mind was one thing. Changing my mindset is another. It’s a struggle to evolve, to morph into the woman I want to be, but my happiness is well worth it. Hell, I’m worth it, and the simple fact that I can say that speaks volumes to me. That shows me that some type of change has occurred to me.

Now, I still get down about my reflection, and sometimes, I gotta leave it, just walk away. But I don’t stay away. I return to that mirror and I tell it, “Beautiful Woman, Evolving Lady, we must not speak ill of us. We must uplift us because we are worth it. No one determines our worth except us. Now make today a great day.” And you know what? My day gets better.


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