In My Mind – by Angenita Childs

For the last few weeks, I’ve been listening to the same few songs on my Blackberry. These songs are reminiscent of a time in my life where I was struggling through something.  Most would think I was crazy to listen to the words of “5 Miles to Empty”, “Real Love” and “Nothing Left to Say”. I even have Vivian Green’s “Cursed” in the loop more than once.

As I listen to these words, I think about how I felt then, and how I feel now. Some of those same things are in me today. Only difference? I’m listening to them with a renewed heart, a renewed strength, so instead of shedding tears at the first chords of the songs, I’m thinking of what it is that I really want in life. “I need a good man to fill me up, I need a good man to give me love,” Brownstone sings, and I feel that to the heart.  But for a good man to fill me up and give me love, I have to love me so that I know what real love is when I see it, and it not be what I think it should be based on false pretenses, false words, and false hopes. Real love isn’t the fantasy of Prince Charming. Real love is based on respect, honesty and dignity.

“Love was so strong, at least in the beginning who would have thought there’d ever be an ending.” Mint Condition captures my whole experience because those words have fallen on me more than once.  Those words, they hurt, and they hurt deeply. I’ve thought many relationships I’ve had would be that one to last and I wouldn’t have to look any further, however each one ended. “They say if you love something, you’ve got to let it go, and if it comes back, then it means so much more. But if it never does, at least you will know, that it was something you had to go through to grow.” Heather Headley was right. Now I find strength in the fact that I can realize that sometimes, there has to be an ending for people to grow. And although I’m not perfectly happy with that, I understand that stagnant relationships are toxic, and neither party can be truly happy in a limbo state. Where there is no growth, there is no life, and I have more life to live.

“Don’t be afraid of the way you feel. Open your heart and you’ll see it’s real. It’s real love.” Skyy released this song in the eighties, and the same message applies. People still run from love. Through all the pain and things I’ve experienced in my life, I won’t run from it. I aspire to be there.  I know that one day, I’ll have that real true love that grows, and carries me to heights I’ve never reached before. I still have hope that my guy will find me. He won’t give me that crazy fantasy that I’ve had; he’ll give me that real live, real love through support, caring, openness, sharing, tenderness, and understanding. He’ll encourage me, tell me when I’m wrong, and be my friend.

But, before he can do that, I need to be my own best friend; be a better person. I need to bring all of me, not just the parts I want to be known. Be strong in my daily. Be ready to receive what he gives, and ready to give what I receive. Because if I can’t reciprocate, I’ll be right back in the same boat: stagnant relationship without growth, eventually going through another ending. Looking to the outside to give me everything I want isn’t reality, so before I can expect for someone else to give all that to me, I’ve gotta give it all to myself. Then, and only then, will I attract that person to me, and he’ll love me for exactly who I am. And, while it won’t be “perfect”, it will be real.

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1 comment so far

  1. lyrik on

    i know my sister would love this! oh… i like it 2!


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