It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye by Angenita Williams-Childs

“And I’ll take with me the memories to be my sunshine after the rain…” ~ Boyz II Men

One week, and one day ago, I had a tremendous loss in my family. My cousin, a young man I watched as a baby, a young man that was close to my son, a young man that spent numerous nights in my home, was gunned down over an accusation made by someone who likes drama. (Purely my speculation as I do not know the person)

I won’t go into all the details about this because I just won’t. I’ve heard and told the story many times. But this hurts me. I cried for close to two days straight. I was awake for over thirty-six hours trying to make sense of this untimely death. And I wondered why it hit me so hard? I lost my grandmother in 2008, and while that hit me hard as well, the pain from my cousin’s death cut me deeper. After I thought about it for a while, I came to the conclusion that my grandmother lived her life. She did what she wanted to do, she raised her children, grandchildren, and lived to see great-grandchildren. My grandmother experienced life. My cousin didn’t.

At 22, his life was cut short. He had no children (that I know of), but he had a niece and nephew, four sisters, one brother, mother, father, two grandmothers, several uncles, aunts, and cousins. And someone decided they didn’t like him. That someone took his life without regards to his family or friends. This someone decided it was time for him to die. Someone left a void in me. A true void.

You read and hear about things like this in the news, and you thank God that it isn’t your family. You say prayers for the family, and you move on. You hope the person who did it gets caught. Sometimes, you keep that family in your prayers for a while, but how do you cope when it is your family? I’m trying to figure it out.

I’m gonna close out now, pain deeply rooted in my chest. In a little over 24 hours, I will attend his funeral. I just ask God to give me the strength to get through it.

*************

 To “Antman” – I love you, I miss you, I know you’ll watch over us. I’m so hurt that you’re gone. I feel lost without you here. I know God makes no mistakes, but I can’t help to ask why you.

Rest in Heaven Anthony D. Edwards. 1989-2011

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