The Separation of Sex and Love by Angenita Williams


“Sex ain’t better than love. I’ve been out here in these streets and I done learned that sex ain’t better than love…” ~Trey Songz

It’s been a while since I wrote about dating. I’m still out here in the pool, swimming through all the mess that is dating. This journey is trying to say the least.

I decided to write about this for a number of reasons. The topic of sex versus love comes up a lot in a group I’m in on Facebook named Relationship Soup ( It struck a chord with me because I tried being without the sex aspect in my life in hopes of maybe finding and having a lasting relationship. See previously, in my previous dating life, I had sex to ‘hook’ or ‘keep’ a man around. Obviously, that didn’t work. I decided on a new approach. Well, that’s not working either. So, sex – to have it or not – is probably not the issue. Then again, maybe it is.

I know I had my hand in making this situation what it is. When you don’t value yourself, you seek validation from others. Much of that ‘validation’ came from sex – not love; although it was love I was seeking. And the ‘validation’ was only temporary – as in for just that moment. After that moment, it was back to the same pit of emotional hell.

See, dating is so convoluted with rules until it’s not funny. “Don’t have sex until it’s been 90 days.” “If the mood is right, go ahead and have sex.” “Don’t cook for him on the first date.” “He has to pay for everything.” “Don’t meet the kids until you know it’s gonna last.” “Let them meet the kids sooner to determine if they like them.” “Girl, you want him, go get him.” “Don’t chase, let him chase you.” “Be aggressive.” “Don’t be aggressive.” “Go with the flow.” “Make it happen.” “Don’t call him, let him call you.” “If you wanna talk to him, call him.”

In today’s world, how do you date?

Dating is not fun for me. I do not enjoy it one bit. I think it’s because I have one goal – to be in a relationship. All that other mess associated with dating I don’t want. Going out is fun, being in each other’s company is fun – but only if we are on the same page and headed in the same direction. And it usually ends up the ones I really dig, the ones I can see myself standing next to, are the ones who totally disregard me. However, the ones I run from hunt for me in the daylight with a flashlight. They tend to be completely overbearing meaning, we just met yesterday and you wake up thinking about me or constantly calling when I’ve told you that I’m busy. On that stalker stuff.

Then there are the pretenders who say “I would like to date you,” but I hear nothing from them ever again.

But that’s not what this blog is about – it’s about, quite frankly, sex.

Being out here in the dating game, there is a lot of emphasis placed on sex. As if sex and love go hand-in-hand. While it’s true that sex can be an expression of love, it does not mean you are in love, nor does it mean commitment. There are a lot of women in the world that cannot separate the physical action of having sex and the emotional act of actually being loved. Women tell themselves over and over again that having sex is harmless, that it’s all in good fun. Until it’s someone that you really like anyway. Then it’s no longer fun because it gets emotional, and once emotions are involved, there is no turning back.

One thing I’ve learned is that if someone doesn’t want a relationship, they don’t want a relationship. There is no mind changing. Doing everything a ‘girlfriend’ or ‘boyfriend’ would do only sets you up for heartbreak…in my opinion.

Before getting in a physical relationship, love should be a part of it. I’m at the point where if I don’t have a passion or a feeling towards you, I don’t want to have sex with you. Honestly, I’m afraid of being disappointed in the passionate and emotional side of what sex is supposed to be. In other words, if my mind isn’t in it, then the man will have all the pleasure. And that’s not fair to me. So to avoid all that, keep it in the jar until I’m mentally connected and emotionally vested. I’ve been disappointed enough.

Dating is a game. In every game, someone wins, someone loses. The question is – who wins in dating? The one who wins in the sex area or the one who wins in the love area?

Sex is fleeting, love is forever. And if you don’t have love, then, what do you have?


1 comment so far

  1. cute2kiss on

    You pose some great questions!

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