Am I Not Good Enough? by Angenita Williams

*This is NOT a blog about being sad, or feeling unworthy. It IS a reflection.*

In the midst of my reading and studying, I usually play music or have the TV on for background noise. Sometimes, I have both. But yesterday, I decided to listen to the YouTube personality April Mason. She is an empowering woman with some really good points. I just wasn’t ready for what she had to say.

She had a letter from a young woman who explained that there was a guy she was “dating.” He was nice. He treated her well. He was fine. His sex was awesome. But he didn’t want to be in a relationship. Although he did all the things that couples do, he made it clear that a relationship was something he did not want. She was understandably confused. His actions did not match his words….definitely something I can relate to.

April went through all the usual relationship advice: why buy the cow when you get the milk for free; you allowed him to dictate the “relationship;” you must love yourself first…and so on and so forth. But then she said this:

“This may sound harsh, but you are not good enough.”

I stopped studying.

“You are good enough to hang out and go to the movies with. You are good enough to share meals with. You are good enough to have sex with. But you are not good enough to be his WOMAN. You are a placeholder for his permanent one.”

I sat up. Not good enough to be his woman?

I’ve often felt like I was never good enough. My self-esteem hasn’t been the highest. Although I was always told I was beautiful, I didn’t really believe it – I was fat. I didn’t have a nice shape and I was bigger than most guys – but I was still cute and my smile lit up a room.  I knew I was smart – my grades showed it. I was a little short on being street smart until I got to the streets and had to learn to navigate. I never quite learned how to navigate relationships with men though.

I was always good enough to converse with because I do have a nice conversation. I have a brain and I can go from goofy to intellect in a split second. I was nice to hang around because I carry an aura of comfort; of loving. I can cook a little bit, so of course I was good enough to make meals for a man. Of course I was always good enough to have sex with. I’m a nice looking, fluffy woman that’s well endowed. I take care of my kids. I’m smart. I’m funny. I’m loyal.

But I still wasn’t good enough.

 I wasn’t good enough for my father to love me enough to show me that I was indeed worthy to be treated like a human being.  I didn’t have a very high bar to compare any man to. Attention was enough I suppose. I wasn’t good enough for my ex to not marry a woman that I knew was all the way wrong for him, but yet he still came to me on plenty of nights until I stopped him. I wasn’t good enough for the guy who told me he wouldn’t hurt me, but he didn’t want a relationship…after sex. Or the one that said that no man would really want me because of my ready made family. Or the one who stopped talking to me when I took sex off the table. Or the one that sent unsolicited penis pics. Or the one who thought I would stay despite his abuse.  When I got married, I felt that finally I WAS good enough…I secured a lifelong bond with a man I was madly in love with…

But I wasn’t even good enough for my husband. No matter how loyal or loving or supportive I was, I just wasn’t good enough to keep him from the abandonment or the side chicks.

In the aftermath of all of this, I find that I am still just not good enough. I’m good enough to hang with or converse with, or even to sex…but I’m not good enough to be a man’s significant other. I’m not good enough to be the ONE.

My attributes are great. I am wonderfully flawed.  I’m beautiful. I’m sarcastic. Intelligent. I like sports. I cuss like a sailor. I am articulate. I can get moody. I can appear standoffish or disinterested.  I can discuss politics, Beyonce, Maya, and Bugs Bunny. I am lovingly loyal – I would say to a bit of a fault. I am a sweetheart when I want to be. I’m the perfect homegirl. I’m caring. I’m supportive – an awesome cheerleader. I adore my children and my grandchildren. I will go to war with the world over my children. I love my family. I work hard. I hustle harder. I strive to be the best I can be with all my flaws. 

This year marks my 40th year on this Earth. I look at the world through a lens of life experiences. I do have faith in God, something I can’t say I’ve always had. My confidence level as definitely increased by the multitudes. But, in the area of relationships and commitment, something always falls relatively short. And with all the #inboxfoolishness I get, with all the dates that are made but never completed, all the notions of just wanting sex from me and nothing more, I wonder…

Will I ever be good enough?


1 comment so far

  1. abs a on

    I personally believe the reason he didn’t have relationship with her doesn’t have anything to do with that her being good enough or not — as a man I could speak from my own experience, at least why I decided to go with the decision I made of course every man has their own reasoning.

    The woman I fall in love with broke up with me in June 2015 right before my birthday and we have dated may be a few days over a year. Even though I am completely in agreement with the reason she broke up and she has done it in a very cautious manner so neither one of us get hurt. But our relationship is almost the same us what’s on this article. She has three kids from two different guys, she doesn’t have any formal education and working two three jobs to support her kids. Very independent and hard working young lady which I have admired so much.

    I on the other hand have no kids and not much experience with dating let alone talk about relationship or marriage, working full time in professional job environment in my field and working toward MS degree with two BS degree on my belt. Through out my college career and after I have gotten rejected by so many females I have totally given up about having a relationship by the time I was in my mid 30s. So, what’s left for me was just enjoying life and having fun – meaning try to get some sex from those who could offer me with no string attach. Here is a big BUT – I have never ruled anything out, at the same time I am very bitter about women in general so I have my guards on very high. To break that it requires a very special and understanding woman to even put up with that bitterness – I call it a baggage.

    I and this girl discussed about our past life experience and I couldn’t get over of all the things she has told me that she has done in her past. Here I am busting my ass to make things better for me can’t even get any play from a chick in college she on the other hand was throwing her life around did whatever she wants. Now she wants people to feel pity for her so I wasn’t forgiving.

    As time pass by, a few month after we start dating we came to agreement to work on our relationship toward common goals. For me the most difficult part was not having a relationship with her nor even thinking about marriage but dealing with the kids and their fathers. Marriage means moving in with them in the same house hold and play a role in the kids life, I don’t think I was qualified to play any role. I have so much fear and doubts because it was very sensitive subject thinking about the wellbeing of the kids. At the time I was a technical lead in my career and I know I was a horrible boss let alone to play any role in any kids day to day life. Another thing that really bothered me was the fact that my girl all care about is getting married and not even putting any effort to build a solid foundation in our relationship.

    But overall what I am trying to state here is the fact I wasn’t rushing in to getting in a relationship and ready to give a full hope in what will happen in our life doesn’t have anything to do with her being not good enough for me. It has a lot to do with making the right judgment move and learning the person. Don’t get me wrong I am kind of happy we are apart now because one thing I have hated through out my childhood life and something greatly affected me was having step parent or even half brother or sister. I never wanted that to happen in my kids life either as long as I have full control of my life. Hope you all got some insight of my little story. -aK>

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