Archive for the ‘Open’ Category

Am I Not Good Enough? by Angenita Williams

*This is NOT a blog about being sad, or feeling unworthy. It IS a reflection.*

In the midst of my reading and studying, I usually play music or have the TV on for background noise. Sometimes, I have both. But yesterday, I decided to listen to the YouTube personality April Mason. She is an empowering woman with some really good points. I just wasn’t ready for what she had to say.

She had a letter from a young woman who explained that there was a guy she was “dating.” He was nice. He treated her well. He was fine. His sex was awesome. But he didn’t want to be in a relationship. Although he did all the things that couples do, he made it clear that a relationship was something he did not want. She was understandably confused. His actions did not match his words….definitely something I can relate to.

April went through all the usual relationship advice: why buy the cow when you get the milk for free; you allowed him to dictate the “relationship;” you must love yourself first…and so on and so forth. But then she said this:

“This may sound harsh, but you are not good enough.”

I stopped studying.

“You are good enough to hang out and go to the movies with. You are good enough to share meals with. You are good enough to have sex with. But you are not good enough to be his WOMAN. You are a placeholder for his permanent one.”

I sat up. Not good enough to be his woman?

I’ve often felt like I was never good enough. My self-esteem hasn’t been the highest. Although I was always told I was beautiful, I didn’t really believe it – I was fat. I didn’t have a nice shape and I was bigger than most guys – but I was still cute and my smile lit up a room.  I knew I was smart – my grades showed it. I was a little short on being street smart until I got to the streets and had to learn to navigate. I never quite learned how to navigate relationships with men though.

I was always good enough to converse with because I do have a nice conversation. I have a brain and I can go from goofy to intellect in a split second. I was nice to hang around because I carry an aura of comfort; of loving. I can cook a little bit, so of course I was good enough to make meals for a man. Of course I was always good enough to have sex with. I’m a nice looking, fluffy woman that’s well endowed. I take care of my kids. I’m smart. I’m funny. I’m loyal.

But I still wasn’t good enough.

 I wasn’t good enough for my father to love me enough to show me that I was indeed worthy to be treated like a human being.  I didn’t have a very high bar to compare any man to. Attention was enough I suppose. I wasn’t good enough for my ex to not marry a woman that I knew was all the way wrong for him, but yet he still came to me on plenty of nights until I stopped him. I wasn’t good enough for the guy who told me he wouldn’t hurt me, but he didn’t want a relationship…after sex. Or the one that said that no man would really want me because of my ready made family. Or the one who stopped talking to me when I took sex off the table. Or the one that sent unsolicited penis pics. Or the one who thought I would stay despite his abuse.  When I got married, I felt that finally I WAS good enough…I secured a lifelong bond with a man I was madly in love with…

But I wasn’t even good enough for my husband. No matter how loyal or loving or supportive I was, I just wasn’t good enough to keep him from the abandonment or the side chicks.

In the aftermath of all of this, I find that I am still just not good enough. I’m good enough to hang with or converse with, or even to sex…but I’m not good enough to be a man’s significant other. I’m not good enough to be the ONE.

My attributes are great. I am wonderfully flawed.  I’m beautiful. I’m sarcastic. Intelligent. I like sports. I cuss like a sailor. I am articulate. I can get moody. I can appear standoffish or disinterested.  I can discuss politics, Beyonce, Maya, and Bugs Bunny. I am lovingly loyal – I would say to a bit of a fault. I am a sweetheart when I want to be. I’m the perfect homegirl. I’m caring. I’m supportive – an awesome cheerleader. I adore my children and my grandchildren. I will go to war with the world over my children. I love my family. I work hard. I hustle harder. I strive to be the best I can be with all my flaws. 

This year marks my 40th year on this Earth. I look at the world through a lens of life experiences. I do have faith in God, something I can’t say I’ve always had. My confidence level as definitely increased by the multitudes. But, in the area of relationships and commitment, something always falls relatively short. And with all the #inboxfoolishness I get, with all the dates that are made but never completed, all the notions of just wanting sex from me and nothing more, I wonder…

Will I ever be good enough?

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Transparent by Angenita Williams

stock-photo-clear-forest-in-glasses-on-the-background-of-blurred-forest-164665187I feel like I need to be extremely transparent right now….

About a week, well maybe not even a week ago, I was on Facebook (of course) and a woman posted a status in Relationship Soup (www.relationshipsoup.com) about where the notion of women “not needing a man” came from. Of course, I responded, and there was a really good and intense conversation about the subject. Men and women had a lot to say, and both had valid points. But, it was the originator’s comment that stuck out to me…

…I understand the joy, happiness, and peace that a man could bring to me…

I pondered that for quite a while, and it hit me…I have no clue what that feels like…I have no clue what that even looks like…and tears welled in my eyes…as if I have missed something altogether…or lost that opportunity to ever know what it feels like…and when the realization hit me…my spirit wanted to feel it…

From the start, I haven’t experienced those feelings from a man. Sure, there were some good times, fun times, love times…but overall joy? Overall happiness? Overall peace? No. And that is so sad to me…to not feel the security of a man, but his disconnect with me. Not to feel the happiness or joy of his presence, only heartache and disappointment. To know how I just wished he could get his shit together so that we could be happy…but never having it come…consistent worry about infidelity…never really knowing that I didn’t have to put up with it and not truly understanding the diamond I truly was…and how I did deserve so much better…

I wondered…was it me? Did I block it by focusing on the wrong thing, or was a hint of it even there? Was I so blinded by wanting love that I moved towards the fantasy of it and lived the nightmare from my own insecurities?

Just how deep does it go?

When I read that, and simmered on it, I decided…I want to know…I want to experience that…so I end this by saying…that all the years of me saying I don’t need a man are being thrown out the window…I realize I do need him…to show me the other side of joy, happiness…and most of all…the peace of what a companion could bring to me…I don’t have to go at life alone as I conditioned myself to believe…

But…he who findeth a wife findeth a good thing…so I’m not gonna search…I will let him find me…and in the meantime, I’ll continue to work on me, get me in order, reach higher, dream bigger, and complete my goals so I can be ready to receive everything he has to offer…

Well Done, Maya by Angenita Williams

She rose from the depths
Of what society said
She should be
Tall, black, woman

Silenced
For years
After her words killed
A violator

But still, she rose

Her stature captured nations
Civility unmatched
Humble beyond measure
Loving spirit

Wisdom…
A teacher
A motivator
A Queen

And still…

Clouds produce storms
Rainbows are the products of storms
And clouds
They happen when the sunlight reflects moisture 

In the air
At just the right time
And angle
Nature’s splendor 

And still…

Her quotes…
Made you say…
Where did she get THAT?
How was that obtained? 

And her works
Will guide
On exactly where it was
Revealed 

And Still… 

Her voice…unmistakable
Her spirit…full
Her life…of purpose
Her legacy…everlasting
Her honor…noble
Her being…marvelous

Simple, awesome…love

When I wrote the blog last October, Clouds and Rainbows, I knew that Maya Angelou was ill. She was still boisterous, funny, and full of wisdom, but her body was frail. The shell that housed her was getting weak. But in her strength…she didn’t let it be known…

The strength of this woman is unlike many I have seen. By rights, a teen mother should not be this successful and full of life. She shouldn’t have all these experiences. She should grow to be a welfare mother with a house full of children with no daddies. Stigmatized. Alienated.

But through love and guidance, THIS, teen mothers, abused women, lost and lonely girls…THIS…is what you CAN be. Life can toss you so many things, and people can give you so many excuses as to why they can’t do something. But the LIFE of Maya Angelou dispels everything that anyone can say to you to impact you negatively. Her statuesque life. Her larger than life personality. Her…spirit motivated you to want to move. A simple reading of any of her works will get you up and out your seat.

God called her home on May 28, 2014. His purpose for her shell is done.

Rest in Peace, Dr. Maya Angelou. I’m sure you have already heard this by a bigger voice than mine, but, job well done. JOB WELL DONE …

Whatever you want to do, if you want to be great at it, you have to love it and be able to make sacrifices for it…

~Maya Angelou

The 30’s by O’Leta Swift-Reed

Wow! I can’t believe I’m here! The ripe age of 34! OMG! I am at the place in life that as a young child I thought was ancient! I am one year before 35 (an age I use to dread turning because I assumed after that everything goes downhill including body parts (wink, wink) . However, as I reflect back on the time I’ve had on this earth I realize how far I’ve come and how much more I have yet to go.

I have experienced a lot of greatness in life; I’ll never forget the national solo competition at Disney World (where I was selected as one of the two people representing the state of Indiana), Auditioning for American Idol, Our family meetings I use to call because someone was being unfair when I didn’t get my way! Making my brother or sister laugh really hard at night when we were suppose to be sleep so that they could get the wolpin! Leaving for college, coming home from college, leaving back out for college and glad to be getting away from my parents AGAIN!!! I can recall my All Girl Song Group (and the manger of Krispy Crème letting us come after school and perform in his store faithfully! LOL! I can recall growing up with some of the best and coolest people on planet earth, meeting my soul mate (thinking…LAWD PALEAZZE! I hope he doesn’t ask me for my number…not knowing he would one day make me the happiest girl alive and I would vow to spend the rest of my life with him) and if nothing else bringing life into this world…the most loving and cherished memory of them all.

But I have also had many misfortunes, made wrong decisions, took a lot of the low roads. I have minimized my gifts and my talents to make others comfortable around me. I have allowed people to break my spirit because of their own insecurities with themselves. I have laughed with some on the outside to keep from crying on the inside because I knew they didn’t have my best interest at heart! I have befriended people who I KNEW didn’t mean me any good and I have departed ways with people who probably did! I have closed the door on many great opportunities and at times opened the door to very few.

There was a time (particularly in my 20’s) when I would have believed I had lived to make a complete mess of things. But in my 30’s I realize I have a greater since of purpose and I admire the way I’ve overcome! There was a time (particularly in my 20’s) when I would say, “Should’ve, Could’ve, Would’ve But in my 30’s I realize that God too has a since of humor! And as I say all the time, if you wanna make him laugh tell him your plans are! So in my 30’s I say, (in my Martin Lawrence voice) “Let’s just KEEP IT MOVING PEOPLE!”

But as I reflect back over my life I am okay with where I am and I am even grateful for all of life’s experiences. I believe EVERY thing that has happened thus far has been intentional! It’s been purposeful!

I now thank God for my experiences with people. I believe the people who have wanted to see me fail have taught me to succeed, the people who have lied on me or talked about me behind my back have taught me to be real! The people who didn’t believe in me have taught me to believe in myself! The people who tried to break my spirit have taught me to encourage others to be the best that they can be no matter who said they couldn’t! And the people who can’t stand me, “BETTER SIT DOWN OR MOVE AROUND!!!”

I’ve learned that:

Life is all about waking us up! And it will bring whatever it takes to keep us from holding on to the past, grudges, resentfulness, bad experiences and start living in what IS happening right now!

I’ve learned that:

I can accept or reject the way I am treated by other people. And I have a choice what I will allow in my circle, my life and my space!

I’ve learned to:

LISTEN TO MY GUT. My instinct speaks to me in different ways. And when that red light goes off and starts flashing, ( NO MATTER how much I try to ignore it) I listen! And I’m okay with not falling for anything, standing for something, EVEN IF I stand alone!

I’m reminded of the song by Erika Badu:

(Bag lady, you gone hurt your back, dragging all those bags like that. I guess nobody ever told you, all you must hold on to, is you, is you, is you…YOU KNOW THE REST!)

I’ve learned to L.I.G it! LET IT GO! Don’t let anyone steal my joy, don’t let anyone have so much control over the who that I am and the who that I am becoming by holding grudges and being angry. And I REFUSE to let anyone make me loose my mind..UP IN HERE….UP IN HERE!

And ULTIMATELY I’ve learned to:

Be ready when that door opens and NOT wait for the door to open to get ready!

I have learned to be comfortable in the skin that I’m in. I LOVE BEING IN MY THIRTIES! I LOVE BEING ME! I no longer regret life’s mishaps, I rise to life’s challenges. I LOVE BEING IN MY THIRTIES and I am ecstatic about my life, and the decisions I’ve made.

I no longer allow others opinions of me to have any bearings on what I think of myself! I know who I am, I am confident in who I am and I can TEACH one how to treat me! I am determined to be the best me that I can be! Every day I am evolving into the women that God wants me to be. I am a confident, voluptuous, beautifully made Christian women, mother, sister, wife, friend and the list goes on! I am in a new place (mentally and physically), a content and happy place, doing new things, with new outlooks! I may now be 34 but, I feel like I’m just getting started! This is ONLY the beginning of what’s in store!

Sometimes, I cringe at the many possibilities that life can bring because I now know and believe they are waiting on me to reach out and grab them to make them realities! You know, I use to laugh at the quote by Forrest Gump. But I now realize the validity of it, “Life REALLY IS like a box of chocolates, you really don’t ever know what you’re gonna get! But I know whatever it is…it’s gonna be delicious!

Scriptures I’ve come to live by:

Romans 8:10 If Christ is in you, your spirit lives because you are right with God, and yet your body is dead because of sin

Romans 8:31 What can we say about all these things? Since God is for us, who can be against us?

James 1: 1-9 “Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”

Psalms 139: I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful.

Thanks for reading my written thoughts! I know it’s long but that’s what’s on my heart! LOL!

Broken Hearts, Broken Spirits by Angenita Williams

Everyone has had a broken heart at some time or other. Whether it’s a romantic relationship, the loss of a loved one, or a wayward kid, we all know and understand what heartache is. What do we know about broken spirits?

Broken spirits go beyond a broken heart, although, having a broken heart is like a precursor. First your heart is broken, and you begin to feel as if the pain will never end. Broken spirits take it a few steps further in that you become depressed, and life just isn’t what it used to be. Happiness seems so far away. Loneliness sets in and you get into a destructive cycle. Sleeping around for attention, abusing drugs or food to ease the pain. Closing yourself off from the whole world. When your spirit is broken, you wake up every day as a dead person walking. You’re alive, but your spirit is gone. Your joy is gone. Your very livelihood has vanished. Bitterness and anguish take hold of your life. You smile, but there is no joy behind it, and your eyes tell the story – you’re broken.

Spirit Breakers are people who specialize in breaking other people down for their own selfish, ungrateful, personal gain. Sometimes, it’s really hard to spot them because they wear the mask of someone who you think really loves you, but only loves you in words only. For example, if someone loves you, wouldn’t you get some attention from them? Just a little? If someone loves you, wouldn’t they lift you up instead of putting you down? Would they stay out all night, not on the clock? Would they take and take and take and never reciprocate? Wouldn’t you be the most beautiful person to them? And most of all, wouldn’t they respect your very being?

How can you recover from having a broken spirit? I don’t really know. It’s a progress that takes it one day, one moment at a time. The first key is to know that your spirit is broken. Once you can realize and recognize that, then fixing the broken should be at the forefront. But don’t wait too long…misery can be strangely comforting since it’s familiar, and it will keep pulling you back into the pain cycle, if you let it.

Lastly, writing it out – all the pain – can help you focus and understand what’s happening inside you. I encourage you to pick up a notebook and pen, or open the laptop, and pour your soul onto those pages. You just may get your spirit back on track.

P.S. –  Add some prayer cause God sure does hear them.

Random Thoughts by Angenita Williams

I had no idea what I was going to blog about today, so I just thought I would post some random thoughts that have been lurking for about a week now.

1. Charlie Sheen is obviously sick.
2. My birthday is coming soon and I’m excited.
3. Georgia will be my new home.
4. Life doesn’t always go  how you want it to, but it happens exactly like it should.
5. Prayer doesn’t just happen at night, it should happen all day.
6. Moving on is hard to do, but in order to do so, you must forgive your past.
7. Roadblocks are placed in your life to slow the pace, and possibly to divert disaster.
8. Lying to yourself about what and who you are contradicts what and who you are.
9. Excuses are phrases used when you don’t handle business.
10. Giving up pork and beef is harder than I thought.

See, I told you, just random thoughts… 🙂

Transition-by Delina Hill-Brooker

Transition-A passage from one state, stage, subject or place to another, change, movement, development or evolution from one stage or style to another.

That describes exactly how I feel today. I am in transition on many different levels. From my personal growth and learning who I am, what I thought I wanted and discovering the new found wants and needs. In my marriage, we are in transition we just celebrated our 7-year wedding anniversary. WOW now 10 years ago I did NOT see that coming. In my business (Lioness Vizions) we are in transition to a new level. We started our first project (Revealing & Healing: 3 Women’s Stories of Survival) two years ago. BEFORE WE STARTED Lioness Vizions!!! And the progress we’ve made in such a short amount of time is AMAZING. Our individual household dynamics have even changed as well as our business roles. Even my role as a mother is changing. My oldest is about to enter High School. He’s making me remember some of the silly and stupid things I did at his age just because I didn’t think first. Our conversation has changed. He’s changing. He’s no longer the little boy that I have to watch over his every move. My middle child is starting Kindergarten; my baby is going to a new daycare. Everyone in around me, we are all going through a transition together and by ourselves. I’ve always known that when ‘IT’ happens, it will all happen at once. I really feel that’s where I am now.

It feels a little weird, but I’ll take it. The awkwardness is only awkward because it’s different and new. If I want to embrace my future I have to embrace the change, because my past is NOTHING like I want my future to be. So it’s almost like I’m fighting myself because the ‘comfortable’ way is the old way, the new way is not uncomfortable, but it’s out of my comfort zone.

Before I decided to move to Georgia a friend of mine told me, “If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always got.” She probably doesn’t remember telling me that, but it has stuck with me for all of these years. Back then I wanted a change in my life, on all levels, professionally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. That was ten years ago. So much has happened within these ten years I look back and I amaze myself. The people who were good for me are still here or have re-entered into my life. The people that were no good for me are…gone.

You see life has a way of working itself out – if you let it. But you’ve got to be willing to go through the transitions.

Happy transitioning!

Lioness Vizions Intro Blog

Welcome to the Lioness Vizions blog site. We are a minority and woman owned multi-media company located in Indianapolis and Atlanta. On December 10, 2009 we released our first project; the book Revealing & Healing: 3 Women’s Stories of Survival and the companion CD soundtrack Sounds of Healing. (A soundtrack to the book has never been done before, and all proceeds are donated to charity).

The book tells true stories of struggle and victory that can save so many people, in our community and all over the world. Not only does it show and expose secrets, it also show triumph. The soundtrack serves as a companion to take you through the highs and lows of the book as well as life.

The delivery of the stories are raw and transparent. The book content includes sexual abuse, physical abuse, suicide attempts, teenage pregnancy, and mental illness. It concludes with victory and triumph. The true life testimonies prove that through God anything is possible.

Lioness Vizions started from the minds of Angenita Childs & Delina Hill-Brooker. We will be posting various blogs by the two owners of Lioness Vizions. We hope that you enjoy & will provide feedback.

Angenita Childs & Delina Hill-Brooker

Lioness Vizions…Sharing Dreams With the World

www.lionessvizions.com

info@lionessvizions.com

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