Archive for the ‘Random’ Category

Am I Not Good Enough? by Angenita Williams

*This is NOT a blog about being sad, or feeling unworthy. It IS a reflection.*

In the midst of my reading and studying, I usually play music or have the TV on for background noise. Sometimes, I have both. But yesterday, I decided to listen to the YouTube personality April Mason. She is an empowering woman with some really good points. I just wasn’t ready for what she had to say.

She had a letter from a young woman who explained that there was a guy she was “dating.” He was nice. He treated her well. He was fine. His sex was awesome. But he didn’t want to be in a relationship. Although he did all the things that couples do, he made it clear that a relationship was something he did not want. She was understandably confused. His actions did not match his words….definitely something I can relate to.

April went through all the usual relationship advice: why buy the cow when you get the milk for free; you allowed him to dictate the “relationship;” you must love yourself first…and so on and so forth. But then she said this:

“This may sound harsh, but you are not good enough.”

I stopped studying.

“You are good enough to hang out and go to the movies with. You are good enough to share meals with. You are good enough to have sex with. But you are not good enough to be his WOMAN. You are a placeholder for his permanent one.”

I sat up. Not good enough to be his woman?

I’ve often felt like I was never good enough. My self-esteem hasn’t been the highest. Although I was always told I was beautiful, I didn’t really believe it – I was fat. I didn’t have a nice shape and I was bigger than most guys – but I was still cute and my smile lit up a room.  I knew I was smart – my grades showed it. I was a little short on being street smart until I got to the streets and had to learn to navigate. I never quite learned how to navigate relationships with men though.

I was always good enough to converse with because I do have a nice conversation. I have a brain and I can go from goofy to intellect in a split second. I was nice to hang around because I carry an aura of comfort; of loving. I can cook a little bit, so of course I was good enough to make meals for a man. Of course I was always good enough to have sex with. I’m a nice looking, fluffy woman that’s well endowed. I take care of my kids. I’m smart. I’m funny. I’m loyal.

But I still wasn’t good enough.

 I wasn’t good enough for my father to love me enough to show me that I was indeed worthy to be treated like a human being.  I didn’t have a very high bar to compare any man to. Attention was enough I suppose. I wasn’t good enough for my ex to not marry a woman that I knew was all the way wrong for him, but yet he still came to me on plenty of nights until I stopped him. I wasn’t good enough for the guy who told me he wouldn’t hurt me, but he didn’t want a relationship…after sex. Or the one that said that no man would really want me because of my ready made family. Or the one who stopped talking to me when I took sex off the table. Or the one that sent unsolicited penis pics. Or the one who thought I would stay despite his abuse.  When I got married, I felt that finally I WAS good enough…I secured a lifelong bond with a man I was madly in love with…

But I wasn’t even good enough for my husband. No matter how loyal or loving or supportive I was, I just wasn’t good enough to keep him from the abandonment or the side chicks.

In the aftermath of all of this, I find that I am still just not good enough. I’m good enough to hang with or converse with, or even to sex…but I’m not good enough to be a man’s significant other. I’m not good enough to be the ONE.

My attributes are great. I am wonderfully flawed.  I’m beautiful. I’m sarcastic. Intelligent. I like sports. I cuss like a sailor. I am articulate. I can get moody. I can appear standoffish or disinterested.  I can discuss politics, Beyonce, Maya, and Bugs Bunny. I am lovingly loyal – I would say to a bit of a fault. I am a sweetheart when I want to be. I’m the perfect homegirl. I’m caring. I’m supportive – an awesome cheerleader. I adore my children and my grandchildren. I will go to war with the world over my children. I love my family. I work hard. I hustle harder. I strive to be the best I can be with all my flaws. 

This year marks my 40th year on this Earth. I look at the world through a lens of life experiences. I do have faith in God, something I can’t say I’ve always had. My confidence level as definitely increased by the multitudes. But, in the area of relationships and commitment, something always falls relatively short. And with all the #inboxfoolishness I get, with all the dates that are made but never completed, all the notions of just wanting sex from me and nothing more, I wonder…

Will I ever be good enough?

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Dating Woes by Angenita Williams

…I saw…him

My heart turned cartwheels as my eyes ascended his six-five, stocky body. He turned his head just as my eyes reached his chocolate face. My gaze grabbed him.

He stood over me. The brown in his eye gave a twinkle, his teeth gave a glow. His scent captured my mind and made me a little woozy. This is…him.

He grabbed my hand and interlocked our fingers. He backed up, pulling me with him. When we got to his decided upon destination, his arms wrapped around my waist just above my ass. He pulled me close and stared upon my face.

My eyes spoke for me.

He leaned into my ear, “So what’s your name? Whatever it is, I know it’s only an extension of your beauty. I know who you…what you are. I may not know what the others call you, but I know exactly who you are to me,” his sultry voice stated. I smiled.

“It’s…Angel,” I said as I lost my way in his eyes.

“Sent to me….”

“…Yes. I was.”

…Or at least that’s how I pictured it…And trust me, that has yet to happen.

I’ve been dating for a few months. Ok, maybe a month and a half. I am totally confused by this mess. I’ve met some men online, and of the four I actually talked to, only one seems remotely interested, and respectful of my time. For example, I met a guy, nice, chocolate, and tall – just how I like them. We had coffee, I enjoyed it. He called the next day and stated he had nothing to do. I asked if it was his way of asking me out. He then says, “Well, let me make sure and I’ll call you back.” Two hours later, and just like I figured, he called to say something came up. But, he told me to call him back later that evening. This was on a Saturday. I texted him that Tuesday. No response. The way I see it, if you are not sure about your plans, don’t call to insinuate that you will make some with me.

That felt back burner to me…and if you are willing to back burner me, just where do you think you are gonna go? LOL. Maybe I made too much out of it, but I think that being a priority, or a hint of priority, should be out the gate. Am I wrong?

And then, the glorious penis shots. (YES, I’m so serious, ladies. LOL.) Why? Can someone please tell me, what about me says that I’m ready to jump in bed with anyone after one week, or after I say hello?  I shake my head and wonder has it really gotten to the point where women are that desperate for a man’s attention that she will take any piece she can have of him? How does that go for women like me who would like a gentleman who’s honest, caring, and trustworthy without sex? Or at least before sex. Dang.

Once again, I feel like this is too much to handle, so, it’s time to take down the profiles, and quit. Again. It’s just too much hassle, bull shit, and games that I have no time to play. 

I vented to a male friend of mine. Although slightly amused, he saw my frustration, and suggested I read Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man by Steve Harvey. He said, “We really are simple creatures. The book may give you insight. Try it.”

I guess.

You Never Know How Much Stuff You Have by Angenita Williams-Childs

 

I moved. I moved some of everything. Clothes, shoes, beds, food. I moved cleaning supplies, and toiletries. And as I moved I had an epiphany, and I laughed. I’m a hoarder.

I would have never thought I that much stuff. I didn’t realize that I have a lot of stuff…and that’s what this is….stuff. I laughed as I thought about my business partner Delina’s obsession with the show Hoarders. I also thought about how I should have been a candidate for the show! (I wasn’t THAT bad!)

I saw things that I hadn’t seen in years. I still had a shirt from being a Senior in high school. I thought, “Where the hell has that been hiding?” As I went through more stuff, I found old shirts and pants I didn’t even remember I had. But each piece of old clothing held a memory for me. That Senior shirt was a reminder of how hard I worked to graduate high school. Being a teen mother was pretty rough, but it was a big accomplishment to me. I beat the odds.

The shirt, bohemian style, made me smile as I remembered taking pictures with my kids. The pants, ripped up, reminded me of the first time I called myself planting flowers when I bought my first home. A loud FUBU jacket reminded me of an extremely funny instance with my ex-husband.

I wasn’t hoarding stuff; I was hoarding the memories, as if I didn’t want to let them go. Almost like I would forget them. As I stuffed garbage bags full of stuff, I thought to myself, “Why the hell didn’t I get rid of this mess BEFORE I moved?”

Black Sitcoms…and the Flu – Angenita Williams-Childs

Over the past week, I’ve been ill…I’m talking sweaty, feverish, painfully ill. I slept a lot, but I also had time watching movies, and television. And maybe it was my sickly, foggy brain, but I analyzed everything I watched.

‘Reed Between the Lines,’ the new show on BET, came on. I was skeptical, but I gave it a few chances. The show is Cosby-esque in that the comedy isn’t derived at hurling insults at one another. It’s actually entertaining, and makes you wonder if BET is finally on to something really positive. I like that the main characters are professional, thoughtful, insightful, and are actual parents; teaching their kids in zany, yet meaningful ways. Just like Bill in the 80’s and 90’s. However, a few others shows I used to watch and love, gave way to new perceptions about them.

Picture courtesy of Bing TV

I absolutely LOVED ‘The Parkers’.  MoNique was one of my favorite actresses because she overcame Hollywood’s fascination with rail thin women. She was a successful comedienne. And the fact that she was plus sized made everything better.  She embraced her stature, and flaunted it with honor. She redefined beauty to me; someone who was drawn away because she felt ‘too big.’ But after watching a few episodes this week, I saw that she fell right into a stereotypical big woman.

She constantly chase a partially successful man who did nothing more but hurl insults at her. Her mission in life was to snatch this man who hated the sight of her. And she made it known to the world that this man was her man, even when he had a woman on his arm. That struck a nerve with me. I know it’s fictitious, but as a plus sized woman, I know how it feels to be completely ignored, or told, in so many words, that you are just a little too much woman for someone professional, seemingly decent, guy. I’ve been told that I would be a dime if I lost more weight. That was quite a few years ago, but that shocked me. I put the guy out, but his words lingered. Watching her throw herself at this man like that threw me off a bit…it could have been the flu.

I also loved ‘Living Single,’ but it was a little stereotypical as well. Kyle (TC Carson) and Maxine (Erica Alexander), two professionals, both with darker skin, have the snappiest mouths. They hurl insults at each other constantly.

Picture courtesy of Bing Images

Regine (Kim Fields), prissy diva who is everyone’s business. Khadijah (Queen Latifah), the bigger than life person with a great personality, but takes no bull off anyone. And then the two light skinned people, Synclaire (Kim Coles) and Overton (John Henton) were really sweet, and perceived to be airheads. They were also blue collar, Synclaire, a receptionist and aspiring actor, and Overton, the maintenance man of the apartment building.

It is known that historically, Black comedies were funny because of a constant and consistent flow of insults, and they flowed so much on the few ‘Living Single’ episodes I watched that I had to turn it. With all the success of the group of friends, there was a constant bicker. And yeah, the delivery is what made it funny, but take away that delivery, and image you talking to your kid like that. Do you know what kind of damage that could be done?

Then again, maybe it was the flu…

The 30’s by O’Leta Swift-Reed

Wow! I can’t believe I’m here! The ripe age of 34! OMG! I am at the place in life that as a young child I thought was ancient! I am one year before 35 (an age I use to dread turning because I assumed after that everything goes downhill including body parts (wink, wink) . However, as I reflect back on the time I’ve had on this earth I realize how far I’ve come and how much more I have yet to go.

I have experienced a lot of greatness in life; I’ll never forget the national solo competition at Disney World (where I was selected as one of the two people representing the state of Indiana), Auditioning for American Idol, Our family meetings I use to call because someone was being unfair when I didn’t get my way! Making my brother or sister laugh really hard at night when we were suppose to be sleep so that they could get the wolpin! Leaving for college, coming home from college, leaving back out for college and glad to be getting away from my parents AGAIN!!! I can recall my All Girl Song Group (and the manger of Krispy Crème letting us come after school and perform in his store faithfully! LOL! I can recall growing up with some of the best and coolest people on planet earth, meeting my soul mate (thinking…LAWD PALEAZZE! I hope he doesn’t ask me for my number…not knowing he would one day make me the happiest girl alive and I would vow to spend the rest of my life with him) and if nothing else bringing life into this world…the most loving and cherished memory of them all.

But I have also had many misfortunes, made wrong decisions, took a lot of the low roads. I have minimized my gifts and my talents to make others comfortable around me. I have allowed people to break my spirit because of their own insecurities with themselves. I have laughed with some on the outside to keep from crying on the inside because I knew they didn’t have my best interest at heart! I have befriended people who I KNEW didn’t mean me any good and I have departed ways with people who probably did! I have closed the door on many great opportunities and at times opened the door to very few.

There was a time (particularly in my 20’s) when I would have believed I had lived to make a complete mess of things. But in my 30’s I realize I have a greater since of purpose and I admire the way I’ve overcome! There was a time (particularly in my 20’s) when I would say, “Should’ve, Could’ve, Would’ve But in my 30’s I realize that God too has a since of humor! And as I say all the time, if you wanna make him laugh tell him your plans are! So in my 30’s I say, (in my Martin Lawrence voice) “Let’s just KEEP IT MOVING PEOPLE!”

But as I reflect back over my life I am okay with where I am and I am even grateful for all of life’s experiences. I believe EVERY thing that has happened thus far has been intentional! It’s been purposeful!

I now thank God for my experiences with people. I believe the people who have wanted to see me fail have taught me to succeed, the people who have lied on me or talked about me behind my back have taught me to be real! The people who didn’t believe in me have taught me to believe in myself! The people who tried to break my spirit have taught me to encourage others to be the best that they can be no matter who said they couldn’t! And the people who can’t stand me, “BETTER SIT DOWN OR MOVE AROUND!!!”

I’ve learned that:

Life is all about waking us up! And it will bring whatever it takes to keep us from holding on to the past, grudges, resentfulness, bad experiences and start living in what IS happening right now!

I’ve learned that:

I can accept or reject the way I am treated by other people. And I have a choice what I will allow in my circle, my life and my space!

I’ve learned to:

LISTEN TO MY GUT. My instinct speaks to me in different ways. And when that red light goes off and starts flashing, ( NO MATTER how much I try to ignore it) I listen! And I’m okay with not falling for anything, standing for something, EVEN IF I stand alone!

I’m reminded of the song by Erika Badu:

(Bag lady, you gone hurt your back, dragging all those bags like that. I guess nobody ever told you, all you must hold on to, is you, is you, is you…YOU KNOW THE REST!)

I’ve learned to L.I.G it! LET IT GO! Don’t let anyone steal my joy, don’t let anyone have so much control over the who that I am and the who that I am becoming by holding grudges and being angry. And I REFUSE to let anyone make me loose my mind..UP IN HERE….UP IN HERE!

And ULTIMATELY I’ve learned to:

Be ready when that door opens and NOT wait for the door to open to get ready!

I have learned to be comfortable in the skin that I’m in. I LOVE BEING IN MY THIRTIES! I LOVE BEING ME! I no longer regret life’s mishaps, I rise to life’s challenges. I LOVE BEING IN MY THIRTIES and I am ecstatic about my life, and the decisions I’ve made.

I no longer allow others opinions of me to have any bearings on what I think of myself! I know who I am, I am confident in who I am and I can TEACH one how to treat me! I am determined to be the best me that I can be! Every day I am evolving into the women that God wants me to be. I am a confident, voluptuous, beautifully made Christian women, mother, sister, wife, friend and the list goes on! I am in a new place (mentally and physically), a content and happy place, doing new things, with new outlooks! I may now be 34 but, I feel like I’m just getting started! This is ONLY the beginning of what’s in store!

Sometimes, I cringe at the many possibilities that life can bring because I now know and believe they are waiting on me to reach out and grab them to make them realities! You know, I use to laugh at the quote by Forrest Gump. But I now realize the validity of it, “Life REALLY IS like a box of chocolates, you really don’t ever know what you’re gonna get! But I know whatever it is…it’s gonna be delicious!

Scriptures I’ve come to live by:

Romans 8:10 If Christ is in you, your spirit lives because you are right with God, and yet your body is dead because of sin

Romans 8:31 What can we say about all these things? Since God is for us, who can be against us?

James 1: 1-9 “Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”

Psalms 139: I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful.

Thanks for reading my written thoughts! I know it’s long but that’s what’s on my heart! LOL!

Broken Hearts, Broken Spirits by Angenita Williams

Everyone has had a broken heart at some time or other. Whether it’s a romantic relationship, the loss of a loved one, or a wayward kid, we all know and understand what heartache is. What do we know about broken spirits?

Broken spirits go beyond a broken heart, although, having a broken heart is like a precursor. First your heart is broken, and you begin to feel as if the pain will never end. Broken spirits take it a few steps further in that you become depressed, and life just isn’t what it used to be. Happiness seems so far away. Loneliness sets in and you get into a destructive cycle. Sleeping around for attention, abusing drugs or food to ease the pain. Closing yourself off from the whole world. When your spirit is broken, you wake up every day as a dead person walking. You’re alive, but your spirit is gone. Your joy is gone. Your very livelihood has vanished. Bitterness and anguish take hold of your life. You smile, but there is no joy behind it, and your eyes tell the story – you’re broken.

Spirit Breakers are people who specialize in breaking other people down for their own selfish, ungrateful, personal gain. Sometimes, it’s really hard to spot them because they wear the mask of someone who you think really loves you, but only loves you in words only. For example, if someone loves you, wouldn’t you get some attention from them? Just a little? If someone loves you, wouldn’t they lift you up instead of putting you down? Would they stay out all night, not on the clock? Would they take and take and take and never reciprocate? Wouldn’t you be the most beautiful person to them? And most of all, wouldn’t they respect your very being?

How can you recover from having a broken spirit? I don’t really know. It’s a progress that takes it one day, one moment at a time. The first key is to know that your spirit is broken. Once you can realize and recognize that, then fixing the broken should be at the forefront. But don’t wait too long…misery can be strangely comforting since it’s familiar, and it will keep pulling you back into the pain cycle, if you let it.

Lastly, writing it out – all the pain – can help you focus and understand what’s happening inside you. I encourage you to pick up a notebook and pen, or open the laptop, and pour your soul onto those pages. You just may get your spirit back on track.

P.S. –  Add some prayer cause God sure does hear them.

Random Thoughts by Angenita Williams

I had no idea what I was going to blog about today, so I just thought I would post some random thoughts that have been lurking for about a week now.

1. Charlie Sheen is obviously sick.
2. My birthday is coming soon and I’m excited.
3. Georgia will be my new home.
4. Life doesn’t always go  how you want it to, but it happens exactly like it should.
5. Prayer doesn’t just happen at night, it should happen all day.
6. Moving on is hard to do, but in order to do so, you must forgive your past.
7. Roadblocks are placed in your life to slow the pace, and possibly to divert disaster.
8. Lying to yourself about what and who you are contradicts what and who you are.
9. Excuses are phrases used when you don’t handle business.
10. Giving up pork and beef is harder than I thought.

See, I told you, just random thoughts… 🙂

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