Archive for the ‘Growth’ Tag

Are You A Groupie? By Angenita Williams

GLPIC

 

Are you a groupie?

Merriam-Webster says a groupie is a noun that means a fan of a music group who follows the group on concert tours.

Urban dictionary says a groupie is a young woman, often under age, who seeks to achieve status by having sex with rock musicians, roadies, security, and other band-related guys.

Does that describe anyone you know?

I heard the song Groupie Love by an indie artist Young Mac about a year ago. (Check the photo.) The more I listened to it, the more I really get it. Although the title would have you thinking otherwise, it’s obvious that the woman being described in the song is a hurting woman.

“I can tell it’s groupie love cause she aiming to get rich.”

Listening to the lyrics on the surface would have you think the narrator is talking about the typical groupie – backstage at all the shows. Heels on point. Body a ten. Making sure she gets chosen. But a deeper listening reveals that this “groupie” isn’t typical…she has the “aim” to get rich…but the “rich” isn’t the rich that one thinks of when they speak of rich.

In this aspect, rich means love. She wants to be rich…in love… jumping from body to body in search of this elusive love…the love that every girl dreams of. Yearns for. And when that love isn’t there, then substitutes are there to take the place…money…attention…sex. Selling herself short for the illusion of desire. She’s broken. And the narrator tells her, “I can feel your pressure.”

How much pressure are we under to find love? For us single ladies that are 35 and up, how much pressure do we bear when we wake up next to pillows every morning? When you just wanna hug and hear a deep masculine voice say it’s gonna be alright? I know…Momma never said there would be days like that….because Momma never let it show that there ARE days like that.

Navigating the world of relationships is real tricky. Mainly because everyone has baggage to unload, and everyone wants to remain selfish….when love has nothing to do with selfishness…it’s so selfless. You willingly give your all because love is about growing the other person, not what you can get out of them or from them. You have to make sure that person has your best interest at heart…But you can’t wait too late or you’ll end up broken and bitter.

Self-love is the key to deflating the pressures of being single. No one can love you if you don’t love you, and if you don’t love you, you can’t possibly love anyone else. So for the groupies in the world….take a pause…love you…Nothing will give you more satisfaction until you realize that love you seek is right there in you…

“Go ‘head and show that groupie love…go ‘head, you know that groupie love….”

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Am I Not Good Enough? by Angenita Williams

*This is NOT a blog about being sad, or feeling unworthy. It IS a reflection.*

In the midst of my reading and studying, I usually play music or have the TV on for background noise. Sometimes, I have both. But yesterday, I decided to listen to the YouTube personality April Mason. She is an empowering woman with some really good points. I just wasn’t ready for what she had to say.

She had a letter from a young woman who explained that there was a guy she was “dating.” He was nice. He treated her well. He was fine. His sex was awesome. But he didn’t want to be in a relationship. Although he did all the things that couples do, he made it clear that a relationship was something he did not want. She was understandably confused. His actions did not match his words….definitely something I can relate to.

April went through all the usual relationship advice: why buy the cow when you get the milk for free; you allowed him to dictate the “relationship;” you must love yourself first…and so on and so forth. But then she said this:

“This may sound harsh, but you are not good enough.”

I stopped studying.

“You are good enough to hang out and go to the movies with. You are good enough to share meals with. You are good enough to have sex with. But you are not good enough to be his WOMAN. You are a placeholder for his permanent one.”

I sat up. Not good enough to be his woman?

I’ve often felt like I was never good enough. My self-esteem hasn’t been the highest. Although I was always told I was beautiful, I didn’t really believe it – I was fat. I didn’t have a nice shape and I was bigger than most guys – but I was still cute and my smile lit up a room.  I knew I was smart – my grades showed it. I was a little short on being street smart until I got to the streets and had to learn to navigate. I never quite learned how to navigate relationships with men though.

I was always good enough to converse with because I do have a nice conversation. I have a brain and I can go from goofy to intellect in a split second. I was nice to hang around because I carry an aura of comfort; of loving. I can cook a little bit, so of course I was good enough to make meals for a man. Of course I was always good enough to have sex with. I’m a nice looking, fluffy woman that’s well endowed. I take care of my kids. I’m smart. I’m funny. I’m loyal.

But I still wasn’t good enough.

 I wasn’t good enough for my father to love me enough to show me that I was indeed worthy to be treated like a human being.  I didn’t have a very high bar to compare any man to. Attention was enough I suppose. I wasn’t good enough for my ex to not marry a woman that I knew was all the way wrong for him, but yet he still came to me on plenty of nights until I stopped him. I wasn’t good enough for the guy who told me he wouldn’t hurt me, but he didn’t want a relationship…after sex. Or the one that said that no man would really want me because of my ready made family. Or the one who stopped talking to me when I took sex off the table. Or the one that sent unsolicited penis pics. Or the one who thought I would stay despite his abuse.  When I got married, I felt that finally I WAS good enough…I secured a lifelong bond with a man I was madly in love with…

But I wasn’t even good enough for my husband. No matter how loyal or loving or supportive I was, I just wasn’t good enough to keep him from the abandonment or the side chicks.

In the aftermath of all of this, I find that I am still just not good enough. I’m good enough to hang with or converse with, or even to sex…but I’m not good enough to be a man’s significant other. I’m not good enough to be the ONE.

My attributes are great. I am wonderfully flawed.  I’m beautiful. I’m sarcastic. Intelligent. I like sports. I cuss like a sailor. I am articulate. I can get moody. I can appear standoffish or disinterested.  I can discuss politics, Beyonce, Maya, and Bugs Bunny. I am lovingly loyal – I would say to a bit of a fault. I am a sweetheart when I want to be. I’m the perfect homegirl. I’m caring. I’m supportive – an awesome cheerleader. I adore my children and my grandchildren. I will go to war with the world over my children. I love my family. I work hard. I hustle harder. I strive to be the best I can be with all my flaws. 

This year marks my 40th year on this Earth. I look at the world through a lens of life experiences. I do have faith in God, something I can’t say I’ve always had. My confidence level as definitely increased by the multitudes. But, in the area of relationships and commitment, something always falls relatively short. And with all the #inboxfoolishness I get, with all the dates that are made but never completed, all the notions of just wanting sex from me and nothing more, I wonder…

Will I ever be good enough?

Transparent by Angenita Williams

stock-photo-clear-forest-in-glasses-on-the-background-of-blurred-forest-164665187I feel like I need to be extremely transparent right now….

About a week, well maybe not even a week ago, I was on Facebook (of course) and a woman posted a status in Relationship Soup (www.relationshipsoup.com) about where the notion of women “not needing a man” came from. Of course, I responded, and there was a really good and intense conversation about the subject. Men and women had a lot to say, and both had valid points. But, it was the originator’s comment that stuck out to me…

…I understand the joy, happiness, and peace that a man could bring to me…

I pondered that for quite a while, and it hit me…I have no clue what that feels like…I have no clue what that even looks like…and tears welled in my eyes…as if I have missed something altogether…or lost that opportunity to ever know what it feels like…and when the realization hit me…my spirit wanted to feel it…

From the start, I haven’t experienced those feelings from a man. Sure, there were some good times, fun times, love times…but overall joy? Overall happiness? Overall peace? No. And that is so sad to me…to not feel the security of a man, but his disconnect with me. Not to feel the happiness or joy of his presence, only heartache and disappointment. To know how I just wished he could get his shit together so that we could be happy…but never having it come…consistent worry about infidelity…never really knowing that I didn’t have to put up with it and not truly understanding the diamond I truly was…and how I did deserve so much better…

I wondered…was it me? Did I block it by focusing on the wrong thing, or was a hint of it even there? Was I so blinded by wanting love that I moved towards the fantasy of it and lived the nightmare from my own insecurities?

Just how deep does it go?

When I read that, and simmered on it, I decided…I want to know…I want to experience that…so I end this by saying…that all the years of me saying I don’t need a man are being thrown out the window…I realize I do need him…to show me the other side of joy, happiness…and most of all…the peace of what a companion could bring to me…I don’t have to go at life alone as I conditioned myself to believe…

But…he who findeth a wife findeth a good thing…so I’m not gonna search…I will let him find me…and in the meantime, I’ll continue to work on me, get me in order, reach higher, dream bigger, and complete my goals so I can be ready to receive everything he has to offer…

Well Done, Maya by Angenita Williams

She rose from the depths
Of what society said
She should be
Tall, black, woman

Silenced
For years
After her words killed
A violator

But still, she rose

Her stature captured nations
Civility unmatched
Humble beyond measure
Loving spirit

Wisdom…
A teacher
A motivator
A Queen

And still…

Clouds produce storms
Rainbows are the products of storms
And clouds
They happen when the sunlight reflects moisture 

In the air
At just the right time
And angle
Nature’s splendor 

And still…

Her quotes…
Made you say…
Where did she get THAT?
How was that obtained? 

And her works
Will guide
On exactly where it was
Revealed 

And Still… 

Her voice…unmistakable
Her spirit…full
Her life…of purpose
Her legacy…everlasting
Her honor…noble
Her being…marvelous

Simple, awesome…love

When I wrote the blog last October, Clouds and Rainbows, I knew that Maya Angelou was ill. She was still boisterous, funny, and full of wisdom, but her body was frail. The shell that housed her was getting weak. But in her strength…she didn’t let it be known…

The strength of this woman is unlike many I have seen. By rights, a teen mother should not be this successful and full of life. She shouldn’t have all these experiences. She should grow to be a welfare mother with a house full of children with no daddies. Stigmatized. Alienated.

But through love and guidance, THIS, teen mothers, abused women, lost and lonely girls…THIS…is what you CAN be. Life can toss you so many things, and people can give you so many excuses as to why they can’t do something. But the LIFE of Maya Angelou dispels everything that anyone can say to you to impact you negatively. Her statuesque life. Her larger than life personality. Her…spirit motivated you to want to move. A simple reading of any of her works will get you up and out your seat.

God called her home on May 28, 2014. His purpose for her shell is done.

Rest in Peace, Dr. Maya Angelou. I’m sure you have already heard this by a bigger voice than mine, but, job well done. JOB WELL DONE …

Whatever you want to do, if you want to be great at it, you have to love it and be able to make sacrifices for it…

~Maya Angelou

It’s Spring – Time for Growth by Angenita Williams

 

Morning sun beams in the blurry spring forest. - stock photo

As usual, this time of year brings reflection time for me. I am another year older, and still on this journey. Without the graces of God, I wouldn’t see another day. To Him, I give the glory.

At this time in my life, I am excited about new horizons. I’m meeting new people. I am opening my mind to new ideas, and getting closer to my dreams. When I turn around and look at the past, I realize that if I changed anything about it, I wouldn’t be at this new peace in my life. He brought me to it and pushed me through it. How can I not be thankful and grateful?

Not that long ago, I reached my breakthrough. And now I’m on the other side of it. There is light in my sky…taking me to my life’s destiny.

Positive feels so much better. Good energy – synergy – is awesome. When something doesn’t go the way I feel it should, I look on the bright side. Take what’s important, and run with it. Because if God doesn’t provide it, then obviously, it’s not meant for me.

Holding on to negative feelings, brings negative energy which takes more out of you than to simply say, “Lord, what is it that you need me to do for You today?”

Someone told me (Faith) that I look different that I did months ago. I smiled and batted my lashes (my yearly treat to myself).

“It’s my lashes, right?” I asked and chuckled.

“No, honey. It’s your spirit.”

Life’s Mistakes by Angenita Williams

mistake

 

This has been a trying week or two for me on more levels than one. Many don’t know what I’ve gone through because I try not to speak about what my issues are. Most of the time, I suffer in silence as I work through whatever is going on.

I’ve had some drama – and anyone that knows me knows drama is totally not my thing. I think unnecessary drama is a waste of life. And I don’t know about anybody else, but life is too short to entertain drama. Some I ‘unintentionally’ brought on myself. Some I didn’t.

See, I’m my biggest critic. So when I make a mistake KNOWING that the outcome isn’t going to be anything good, I shoot my foot off. When I don’t listen to my gut, I get queasy. When I ignore all the bells going off inside my mind, I have to pick my face up off the ground. I get mad – not at the situation – but at myself for making that wrong turn. I beat myself up – just black and blue my spirit and spunk. Typically my feelings get hurt, but always wanting to look at the best in people is a blessing and a curse at the same time. It leaves me pretty open to chance, and that’s a good, but bad thing.

Another thing I don’t get is bringing on drama, especially through social media. Hiding behind keyboards is dangerous. Why not just confront the situation head on? Could it be fear? Why put everybody’s business on blast BUT your own?

I admit I’ve made some huge mistakes in my life. And those mistakes lead me to be who I am today. If I was perfect, I wouldn’t have the life knowledge needed to navigate this life I was blessed with. My mistakes were hidden testimonies to divert someone else. But until I realized that, I constantly beat myself into the ground. I then realized that although my after-mistake feelings always make me want to beat myself up because I knew better, my pain helps someone around me to be better. In turn, that makes me a better person.

Another thing about mistakes is that if you continue to repeat the same ones, you are not learning the lessons God has put you here to learn. So you are a shell of what a living human is supposed to be. If you are the same person you were ten years ago, then something is not right. It’s time for a self-evaluation. It’s time to be real with who and what you are. And if that means that you are just a screw-up, admit it and be happy in it. You don’t have to apologize for who and what you are. The key is to simply admit your shortcomings. That way, when someone calls you out on them, you can smile and say, “Yeah, I know.”

Healing Hidden Insecurities by Angenita Williams-Childs

Image free courtesy of http://www.freedigitalphotos.net

A few weeks ago, I wrote a blog about domestic violence. I took three couples and compared and contrasted their domestic violence issues and outcomes: Ike and Tina, Rihanna and Chris, and Evelyn and Chad. The couple I want to discuss is Evelyn and Chad: partially because of what I wrote before, and partially because I watched her on Iyanla: Fix My Life on OWN.

Now, my assumption of Evelyn was based on what I “heard” through those who watched VH-1’s Basketball Wives. Reality shows that depict grown women showing out and acting a fool are a turn off for me. Honestly, any reality show that does little to motivate someone to do what’s right in life is a big turn off – Jersey Shore, Love and Hip-Hop Atlanta, Mob Wives or Bad Girls Club.

Anyway, Evelyn was, in Iyanla’s terms, a “thug amongst women.” She cussed any and everybody out. She leapt across tables. Threw drinks in people’s faces, and was the explosive one. She challenged everyone with her sharp tongue. She was just an all around hot mess with a pretty face.

Seeing her interviews with Iyanla actually made me realize something about her, me, and a lot of other women: this is the product of the “Daddy Syndrome”…and like my business partner said, a product of unhealed wounds.

Now everything that happened on Basketball Wives makes complete sense. Hear me out…

As a product of the “Daddy Syndrome,” I saw a lot of myself in her. She was angry, hurt, alone, looking for love in all the wrong places, and worse, sought validation of her self-worth in the arms of a man. The sad part is that it didn’t matter to her what man it was. She allowed herself to be used, abused, and cheated on. She gave the green light, not thinking she is worth enough to command respect. So many women deal with this daily.

The feelings of nothing that permeate their souls, stain their faces with tears. Give way to insomnia, drugs, alcohol. Depression, self hate and loss of all being happy because she somehow feels abandoned. Like how can she love herself if the man who created her didn’t? Like how could she ever hope to have a man in her life, when the very first one she knew walked out on her?

Men really don’t know just how much their absence affects a young girl who wants her dad’s love and attention. All she wants him to do is love her, be there for her, make her feel special. And when he doesn’t, the empty promises made by those who see her weakness sound good, real good… so sweet and tender. That is, until he talks her panties off, and is finished with her…leaving a trail of heartache, heartbreak, and more damage to her self-worth.  I think more damage is done when dad is alive and right around the corner, or a phone call away, yet never does. There is an empty inside and the constant question of why…Why doesn’t he love me? Am I that bad? Did I do something to make him turn his back on me?

I saw it all over her. She had some deep rooted Daddy issues, but what makes it worse is that she was never taught to heal. She didn’t know how. She set herself up in the same situations with different bodies, and couldn’t see the road she traveled. She didn’t recognize the patterns. It all was familiar to her. And sadly, her blindness about herself made her react in ways that were unbecoming of a lady. The hard exterior was her shell of protection to let no one in. She was angry, and displaced.

I knew exactly what she felt. I, too, went that route. I was angry and sad. But I was able to start my healing through writing my portion of Revealing & Healing: 3 Women’s Stories of Survival. It’s funny because until I wrote out some of the most intimate details of my life, I didn’t realize how bad I truly was, how depressed I was, how unhappy I was. I thought I was confident, but I wasn’t. I too still had Daddy issues. I didn’t know how those issues affected me in my relationships until I wrote them out and saw the similarities of relationships gone wrong.

Now, I’m not all on her side, because I still believe that she is not telling the entire truth. I think some of her anger and attitude still got the best of her. I’m only saying that now, I understand. I get it. So Evelyn, time out for all that. It’s time to start healing. You’ve got to be real with who you really are. Once you do that, the process can begin. There are two great loves in this world; the love of God, and the love of self. I tend to think they go hand in hand.

Healing starts when the pain is its greatest. We cannot continue to carry the burdens of the past on our shoulders. Open wounds get infected. It’s time to clean them out and stitch them up.

Random Thoughts by Angenita Williams

I had no idea what I was going to blog about today, so I just thought I would post some random thoughts that have been lurking for about a week now.

1. Charlie Sheen is obviously sick.
2. My birthday is coming soon and I’m excited.
3. Georgia will be my new home.
4. Life doesn’t always go  how you want it to, but it happens exactly like it should.
5. Prayer doesn’t just happen at night, it should happen all day.
6. Moving on is hard to do, but in order to do so, you must forgive your past.
7. Roadblocks are placed in your life to slow the pace, and possibly to divert disaster.
8. Lying to yourself about what and who you are contradicts what and who you are.
9. Excuses are phrases used when you don’t handle business.
10. Giving up pork and beef is harder than I thought.

See, I told you, just random thoughts… 🙂

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