Archive for the ‘relationships’ Tag

Am I Not Good Enough? by Angenita Williams

*This is NOT a blog about being sad, or feeling unworthy. It IS a reflection.*

In the midst of my reading and studying, I usually play music or have the TV on for background noise. Sometimes, I have both. But yesterday, I decided to listen to the YouTube personality April Mason. She is an empowering woman with some really good points. I just wasn’t ready for what she had to say.

She had a letter from a young woman who explained that there was a guy she was “dating.” He was nice. He treated her well. He was fine. His sex was awesome. But he didn’t want to be in a relationship. Although he did all the things that couples do, he made it clear that a relationship was something he did not want. She was understandably confused. His actions did not match his words….definitely something I can relate to.

April went through all the usual relationship advice: why buy the cow when you get the milk for free; you allowed him to dictate the “relationship;” you must love yourself first…and so on and so forth. But then she said this:

“This may sound harsh, but you are not good enough.”

I stopped studying.

“You are good enough to hang out and go to the movies with. You are good enough to share meals with. You are good enough to have sex with. But you are not good enough to be his WOMAN. You are a placeholder for his permanent one.”

I sat up. Not good enough to be his woman?

I’ve often felt like I was never good enough. My self-esteem hasn’t been the highest. Although I was always told I was beautiful, I didn’t really believe it – I was fat. I didn’t have a nice shape and I was bigger than most guys – but I was still cute and my smile lit up a room.  I knew I was smart – my grades showed it. I was a little short on being street smart until I got to the streets and had to learn to navigate. I never quite learned how to navigate relationships with men though.

I was always good enough to converse with because I do have a nice conversation. I have a brain and I can go from goofy to intellect in a split second. I was nice to hang around because I carry an aura of comfort; of loving. I can cook a little bit, so of course I was good enough to make meals for a man. Of course I was always good enough to have sex with. I’m a nice looking, fluffy woman that’s well endowed. I take care of my kids. I’m smart. I’m funny. I’m loyal.

But I still wasn’t good enough.

 I wasn’t good enough for my father to love me enough to show me that I was indeed worthy to be treated like a human being.  I didn’t have a very high bar to compare any man to. Attention was enough I suppose. I wasn’t good enough for my ex to not marry a woman that I knew was all the way wrong for him, but yet he still came to me on plenty of nights until I stopped him. I wasn’t good enough for the guy who told me he wouldn’t hurt me, but he didn’t want a relationship…after sex. Or the one that said that no man would really want me because of my ready made family. Or the one who stopped talking to me when I took sex off the table. Or the one that sent unsolicited penis pics. Or the one who thought I would stay despite his abuse.  When I got married, I felt that finally I WAS good enough…I secured a lifelong bond with a man I was madly in love with…

But I wasn’t even good enough for my husband. No matter how loyal or loving or supportive I was, I just wasn’t good enough to keep him from the abandonment or the side chicks.

In the aftermath of all of this, I find that I am still just not good enough. I’m good enough to hang with or converse with, or even to sex…but I’m not good enough to be a man’s significant other. I’m not good enough to be the ONE.

My attributes are great. I am wonderfully flawed.  I’m beautiful. I’m sarcastic. Intelligent. I like sports. I cuss like a sailor. I am articulate. I can get moody. I can appear standoffish or disinterested.  I can discuss politics, Beyonce, Maya, and Bugs Bunny. I am lovingly loyal – I would say to a bit of a fault. I am a sweetheart when I want to be. I’m the perfect homegirl. I’m caring. I’m supportive – an awesome cheerleader. I adore my children and my grandchildren. I will go to war with the world over my children. I love my family. I work hard. I hustle harder. I strive to be the best I can be with all my flaws. 

This year marks my 40th year on this Earth. I look at the world through a lens of life experiences. I do have faith in God, something I can’t say I’ve always had. My confidence level as definitely increased by the multitudes. But, in the area of relationships and commitment, something always falls relatively short. And with all the #inboxfoolishness I get, with all the dates that are made but never completed, all the notions of just wanting sex from me and nothing more, I wonder…

Will I ever be good enough?

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Transparent by Angenita Williams

stock-photo-clear-forest-in-glasses-on-the-background-of-blurred-forest-164665187I feel like I need to be extremely transparent right now….

About a week, well maybe not even a week ago, I was on Facebook (of course) and a woman posted a status in Relationship Soup (www.relationshipsoup.com) about where the notion of women “not needing a man” came from. Of course, I responded, and there was a really good and intense conversation about the subject. Men and women had a lot to say, and both had valid points. But, it was the originator’s comment that stuck out to me…

…I understand the joy, happiness, and peace that a man could bring to me…

I pondered that for quite a while, and it hit me…I have no clue what that feels like…I have no clue what that even looks like…and tears welled in my eyes…as if I have missed something altogether…or lost that opportunity to ever know what it feels like…and when the realization hit me…my spirit wanted to feel it…

From the start, I haven’t experienced those feelings from a man. Sure, there were some good times, fun times, love times…but overall joy? Overall happiness? Overall peace? No. And that is so sad to me…to not feel the security of a man, but his disconnect with me. Not to feel the happiness or joy of his presence, only heartache and disappointment. To know how I just wished he could get his shit together so that we could be happy…but never having it come…consistent worry about infidelity…never really knowing that I didn’t have to put up with it and not truly understanding the diamond I truly was…and how I did deserve so much better…

I wondered…was it me? Did I block it by focusing on the wrong thing, or was a hint of it even there? Was I so blinded by wanting love that I moved towards the fantasy of it and lived the nightmare from my own insecurities?

Just how deep does it go?

When I read that, and simmered on it, I decided…I want to know…I want to experience that…so I end this by saying…that all the years of me saying I don’t need a man are being thrown out the window…I realize I do need him…to show me the other side of joy, happiness…and most of all…the peace of what a companion could bring to me…I don’t have to go at life alone as I conditioned myself to believe…

But…he who findeth a wife findeth a good thing…so I’m not gonna search…I will let him find me…and in the meantime, I’ll continue to work on me, get me in order, reach higher, dream bigger, and complete my goals so I can be ready to receive everything he has to offer…

The Separation of Sex and Love by Angenita Williams

stock-photo-close-up-of-the-feet-of-a-couple-on-the-bed-64226662

“Sex ain’t better than love. I’ve been out here in these streets and I done learned that sex ain’t better than love…” ~Trey Songz

It’s been a while since I wrote about dating. I’m still out here in the pool, swimming through all the mess that is dating. This journey is trying to say the least.

I decided to write about this for a number of reasons. The topic of sex versus love comes up a lot in a group I’m in on Facebook named Relationship Soup (www.relationshipsoup.com). It struck a chord with me because I tried being without the sex aspect in my life in hopes of maybe finding and having a lasting relationship. See previously, in my previous dating life, I had sex to ‘hook’ or ‘keep’ a man around. Obviously, that didn’t work. I decided on a new approach. Well, that’s not working either. So, sex – to have it or not – is probably not the issue. Then again, maybe it is.

I know I had my hand in making this situation what it is. When you don’t value yourself, you seek validation from others. Much of that ‘validation’ came from sex – not love; although it was love I was seeking. And the ‘validation’ was only temporary – as in for just that moment. After that moment, it was back to the same pit of emotional hell.

See, dating is so convoluted with rules until it’s not funny. “Don’t have sex until it’s been 90 days.” “If the mood is right, go ahead and have sex.” “Don’t cook for him on the first date.” “He has to pay for everything.” “Don’t meet the kids until you know it’s gonna last.” “Let them meet the kids sooner to determine if they like them.” “Girl, you want him, go get him.” “Don’t chase, let him chase you.” “Be aggressive.” “Don’t be aggressive.” “Go with the flow.” “Make it happen.” “Don’t call him, let him call you.” “If you wanna talk to him, call him.”

In today’s world, how do you date?

Dating is not fun for me. I do not enjoy it one bit. I think it’s because I have one goal – to be in a relationship. All that other mess associated with dating I don’t want. Going out is fun, being in each other’s company is fun – but only if we are on the same page and headed in the same direction. And it usually ends up the ones I really dig, the ones I can see myself standing next to, are the ones who totally disregard me. However, the ones I run from hunt for me in the daylight with a flashlight. They tend to be completely overbearing meaning, we just met yesterday and you wake up thinking about me or constantly calling when I’ve told you that I’m busy. On that stalker stuff.

Then there are the pretenders who say “I would like to date you,” but I hear nothing from them ever again.

But that’s not what this blog is about – it’s about, quite frankly, sex.

Being out here in the dating game, there is a lot of emphasis placed on sex. As if sex and love go hand-in-hand. While it’s true that sex can be an expression of love, it does not mean you are in love, nor does it mean commitment. There are a lot of women in the world that cannot separate the physical action of having sex and the emotional act of actually being loved. Women tell themselves over and over again that having sex is harmless, that it’s all in good fun. Until it’s someone that you really like anyway. Then it’s no longer fun because it gets emotional, and once emotions are involved, there is no turning back.

One thing I’ve learned is that if someone doesn’t want a relationship, they don’t want a relationship. There is no mind changing. Doing everything a ‘girlfriend’ or ‘boyfriend’ would do only sets you up for heartbreak…in my opinion.

Before getting in a physical relationship, love should be a part of it. I’m at the point where if I don’t have a passion or a feeling towards you, I don’t want to have sex with you. Honestly, I’m afraid of being disappointed in the passionate and emotional side of what sex is supposed to be. In other words, if my mind isn’t in it, then the man will have all the pleasure. And that’s not fair to me. So to avoid all that, keep it in the jar until I’m mentally connected and emotionally vested. I’ve been disappointed enough.

Dating is a game. In every game, someone wins, someone loses. The question is – who wins in dating? The one who wins in the sex area or the one who wins in the love area?

Sex is fleeting, love is forever. And if you don’t have love, then, what do you have?

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