Archive for the ‘self esteem.’ Tag

Dear Janay by Angenita Williams

Dear Janay,

Hey Sis.

My spirit told me I had to reach out to you and to let you know that I understand what you are going through.

I know why you defend him. I know how it feels to be hurt by a man you love. And for all those on the outside, they have no idea what is real. This, what you have, is love, and until they understand that, they should leave you alone.

I get it.

But sis, what you don’t understand, is that this is not love. This is control.

I look at your beautiful face, and your eyes tell the story of how he breaks you down. He didn’t always strike you. He treated you like a queen. Got you what you need. There for you. Then one day, things changed. He hit you. He apologized, and went back to that good man. Then he hit you again. And the cycle continued.

I may be wrong. This could have been his first time. But the ease at which he hit you, with the strength he hit you with, and his callous reaction to it, shows me that he is no stranger to abusing you. He dragged you, even kicking you while you were out. He didn’t show that he cared…he showed annoyance. And you took the blame and apologized for your part – which was responding to a slap in the face.

Sis, love doesn’t hurt. It doesn’t hit. It doesn’t toss you. It doesn’t belittle you. The Bible tells us that love is kind and patient. He clearly lost his patience, Love.

And I am only reaching out to you because I have been there. I was not only a witness to abuse, but I was a victim, and also a perpetrator. I thought I would get them before they got me. That didn’t work out so well either. I was told that no one would want me. If I didn’t fall in line, my dad would hate me. Weak men prayed on my weakness and lack of self love.

Sis, physical abuse is the escalation. The emotional and mental abuse starts first. I understand the cycle. So when you defend him, I get it. You have to. He is your man, and you ride for him as to be expected of any good wife. Ride or die.

But ask yourself…

Would he ride for you?

I’ll end this by saying, sis, love you first. Find you. Explore who and what you are. What is your purpose in life?

I pray that you find the happiness in life that everyone longs for. I pray your marriage lasts without further abuse. I pray that if the abuse continues, you find the strength to leave. I pray you become a survivor. I pray for your strength, life, and health.

Be strong. Hold your head. Know that some of us understand.

Sincerely,

Angenita

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You Have a Write to Heal by Angenita Williams

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About five years ago, I set out on a journey I never knew existed. I knew I was depressed so to speak,  and even though I knew that depression was considered a mental illness, I felt that I could handle it on my own, and just live with it like I had all my life. I also felt as if it was a weakness, although I knew it wasn’t.

What happened that day in June 2008 changed my entire life. I began writing my portion of Revealing & Healing: 3 Women’s Stories of Survival.

What started as me just telling my story turned into being my self discovery, and realization about who and what I really am. For the first time in my life, I realized that I was hurting deeper than I thought I was. Darkness loomed over me heavily, and I didn’t know it.

When I wrote my story, I cried. Hard. That good ole’ ugly, snotty cry. Everything hit me, I cried for days. I even told my co-authors I couldn’t do it. It was too hard to be honest with me. It was too hard to be real with myself. I didn’t recognize I was that bad and that I harbored ill fillings and deep rooted hurts. I didn’t know that I really was a victim, and that I had the consistent ‘I am a victim’ mentality. My self-esteem was low. My confidence was shot, although I tried to make everyone around me believe I was confident. I was the biggest liar to myself. I had me fooled. Until I put it on paper.

I realized that as those words flowed onto the paper, the feelings of worthlessness left me, bit by bit. The longing and desire to be ‘in love’ with someone slowly crept away. I made myself a priority. I acknowledged that I can’t love anyone without loving me first. I decided to quit putting up with things that were damaging to my psyche, to my well-being, to my soul. I decided that my days would be brighter. The load was lifted. I owned up to my ills. I found my power. And I forgave myself for the mistakes I made. I made a calming peace within me.

Who knows where I would be if I never took that moment…to simply write…

I’m not totally healed, but five years ago, I was wounded. The wound was covered with the bandages of ignore; slathered with guilt. They slowly bled – open sores that refused to heal, almost diabetic. Now, the bandages are removed, the bleeding has stopped, and the scab has formed. It’s even started to peel. Pretty soon, it will be a scar and become a reminder of where I used to be. Eventually, the scar will become a faded mark…

If you are in Indianapolis, come and see me discuss the entire process, and listen to some who have been there just like me. March 30, 2013. Indiana Convention Center. 9:00 AM to 11:00 AM. Tickets are $7 in advance and can be purchased at http://writetoheal-es2004.eventbrite.com/?rank=1 , or $10 day of seminar.

Bring an open mind, an open heart, and a receptive spirit. You, too, can begin to heal. All it takes is a pen…

Living in a Plastic Society by Angenita Williams-Childs

Ashley Judd is my hero.

She was recently criticized for losing her looks. She basically told the people who criticized her to kick rocks. She wrote a letter letting them know that her worth is not in her beauty. And regardless, beauty fades with age, it is a natural occurrence. Ashley Judd is an accomplished actress, who obviously did not let the media or anyone else dictate what beauty really is. If only more were like her.

I have seen the faces of many beautiful women turn in to plastic because they obviously believed their beauty defined who they were. This stems from not loving who they are as a whole person. Vivica Fox, Joan Rivers, Lil’ Kim have the most noticeable facets of plastic surgery. And it did nothing to enhance their looks…it made them look quite scary.

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Vivica Fox was a very pretty woman, now she looks like a mannequin. Lil Kim just looks horrible. All of her cherub like beauty has faded into the wind, almost like her career. Joan Rivers looks like it hurts her face to talk, laugh, or make an expression. What possessed these once gorgeous women to go this route? They allowed the media to define their beauty. They allowed a misconception of what true beauty is to cloud their minds and make them believe they were not pretty enough, they were not good enough, they just didn’t make the cut. They lost themselves in the world of celebrity.

I’ve often thought of getting some “self improvement” in the form of liposuction, a tummy tuck, etc. Maybe a reduction of something here and there. But, would that really be me? Or a quick fix, quick end solution to rid myself of being overweight? No work involved, just go under the knife. How long would that last if there is no effort to sustain it?

Society lead beauty is destructive to our young ladies. Every day, young girls are being told in order to be beautiful, you must have certain attributes:  a Beyonce booty, makeup like Reese Witherspoon, full breasts, long legs, etc. I’m glad that brands like Dove reach out to them and let them know that their beauty is beyond their skin.

Regardless of how many times you change your face or your body, you are still you. Loving who and what you are is the best kind of beauty there is. Allow yourself to age, and do it gracefully. Welcome it. Embrace it. Society’s standards are superficial, flakey, and unsubstantiated. Why would you want to live by those unstable standards?

Photos courtesy of www.cmongood.com, fashionbombdaily.com, and ashleyjudd.celebcentral.net

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